FEELings

Being a creative sucks! It requires feelings and I can’t stand feelings bcuz they can’t be trusted. They don’t factor in reason at all. You just be out here feeling stuff and it don’t even be real. So as previously stated being a creative sucks. Add a dose of childhood trauma and chiiiilllleeee! THE GHETTO! So my so called BFF asked me wyd for 2020 cuz you ain’t wkn and you got bills? Now as valid of a question this was I didn’t have an answer. Everybody else has this long lists of goals and dreams and things they will accomplish or experience this year and here I am day 3 with a blank planner and an empty calendar. I have no clue what to do, what I’m doing, how to do it...nothing. Most ppl have seminars they can go to, classes they can take, plethoras of professional cited articles on how to “make it” in whatever field they plan on entering, but as for me there ain’t nun but a blank slate. No one has actually DONE what I wanna do, at least not how EYE wanna do it. So questions like what you gon do are traumatizing bcuz I DONT KNOW!!! I FEEL!! I’ve always feeled my way thru life. Whether that is good or bad is irrelevant it’s how I operate which I get is a complete contradiction to how I FEEL about feelings. But everything I do in art is just a representation of my feelings. If my art is dark then I’m clearly in a dark space. My “Pop” Art collection for example is representative of me being in a “good” place. It’s some of my fav ppl drawn in my fav art style eating my fav candy. It’s the jovial part of my spirit expressed in art form. But sometimes I don’t FEEL anything. And that my dear is where the problems come in. When there is no muse, no inspiration, nothing that moves me, I’m stuck. I can’t create let alone answer questions like “what you gon do?” or “you need to choose between 2 things that mean everything to you.” HOW?!! Sometimes I wish I was logical bcuz 1 + 1 will always equal 2 but how I FEEL varies every second of the day.


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